I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
