I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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