I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
