She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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