I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
ok first of all what the fuck
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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