Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
