I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
