yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
