It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
