my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Michael Bay diarrhea
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
