please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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