Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
