I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
