Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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