Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
