Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
