so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize