is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Pants are for mortals
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
