My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize