Cold hands, warm shart.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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