I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
