omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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