I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize