The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am midnight drunk by noon
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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