can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
