3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
