Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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