i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
