By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
