this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
