we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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