brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
