I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
