It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
