No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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