So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize