Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
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