Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
