I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
