yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
