last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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