Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
