I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
