I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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