the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
