I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
