Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
