Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
