I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
