If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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