Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Terrible idea I love it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
