Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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