It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
