I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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