i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
