y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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