We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
