i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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