I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
