We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
