Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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