Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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